Search This Blog

Sunday, January 13, 2013

one liners-I


 I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on yourpants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and theblinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented theother three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

 It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

The road to success.... Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again,
neither doesMilk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
And the Best!
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else!
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 
 What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
 A backward poet writes inverse. 
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 
 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat >minor. 
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. . The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 


. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
Every calendar's days are numbered. 
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine & 'taint  enough of it!! 
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 
. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. . When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
Acupuncture is a jab well done. 
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick, and the dead
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Bumper Stickers
(Actual bumper sticker sightings)
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"
"Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Things To Keep In Mind
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
The information went data way.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
-- Anonymous
One Liners:
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz ..  like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
More BUMPER STICKERS
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavellia: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of
choleric humor.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key .
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
32. There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
33. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

No comments: